This is a cry for help. I hate to have to do this, and if you know me then you'll know I wouldn't unless I was absolutely desperate. Or maybe if I was taking the absolute piss.
In a despairing bid to raise money to travel to Cloud Cuckoo Land for an operation to have my spine fixed I've taken to crowdfunding. For those not familiar with putrid internet jargon that basically means I'm setting up my own web page where people can donate money to help me reach my goal. I want to straighten my spine so I can walk. So I can be more like James Bond than Richard III. The aim is to be six foot two by a week next Thursday. Nobody will mock or patronise me then.
It's taken me 40 years to realise it but I'm no longer prepared to put up with my disability so I need you to fund the imaginary solution. I've tried going down the less expensive route of getting people to change their attitudes towards me but frankly miracle surgery still seems a more realistic option. Only yesterday I was subjected to young children circling me in a cafe while staring at me as if I were a newborn elephant at Chester Zoo. It's not just children, and it's not an isolated incident. People who can barely walk unaided themselves try to push me up hills when I'm out and about. On one occasion I was reading the menu from the queue at McDonald's when a complete stranger approached me and tried to give me some money to buy a hamburger. As if disability and homelessness were indistinguishable. To be fair to the old git I hadn't shaved that day.
So let us have no more of this humiliating intolerance. Please give what you can at my GoFuckYourself page and help eliminate disability and therefore discrimination. For me anyway. Sod everyone else. Yes, I know there are more desperate, more deserving people than me, and maybe if you had any extra money lying around which you could spare you'd choose to donate it to a charity which helps starving children or helps fight cancer. All worthy causes, but no match for my own sense of entitlement or my persecution complex I'm sure you'll agree. And at least I'm doing my begging electronically. If everyone follows my lead then our cities could be cleansed of the eyesore of people sleeping in cardboard boxes in an instant. Overnight, if you will. There's nothing more unsightly and for me it's quite dangerous. I remember being in San Diego once where the streets were lined with homeless people. I was waiting for Emma outside a 7-11 and I had to duck inside before the public started throwing coins at me. It can smart a bit if you get hit in the wrong place by a quarter. Electronic begging is the future.
Please log on now at www.GoFuckYourselfOrford and donate NO MONEY now because I have a job and miracles don't exist........