The Traitors - Part Three (Well, 5 Actually...)

 

So we have seen the end of John.  And who will miss him?  The bossy gob on legs. 

Certainly not Tom or Matt, who both breathe a sigh of relief when they see Alex walk through the door to the breakfast room.  When Claudia comes in she starts to brief them on the next money making task that has been dreamt up.  She doesn’t say much.  She asks if their brains are sharp or something and then tells them she will see them in church.

Reach for the fast forward button now as this episode’s mission begins.  There is another split into teams before they are taken into church.  The gist of the mission is that they must go and see Claudia in ‘confession’.  There they will receive the location of a riddle within a great big, bible-looking book.  If they can solve the riddle they build up money in the fund.  There are four rounds of this, most of which I miss because I know that nothing of consequence is going to happen.  This is the bit in The Price Is Right when the contestants hear their names called and begin sprinting down the stairs waving their arms around manically.  Exciting for those involved but absolute cringe TV. 

More interestingly, there have been masked figures within the church watching the riddles game unfold.  At the end it is revealed that two of them are none other than Kieran (so that’s his name?) and Amos.  They were the pair removed from the game before they even got into the castle in the opening episode.  Now they are back, re-entering the game as Faithfuls.  Only they know that they are Faithfuls, of course.  Apparently they have been hidden away somewhere unspecified until it was time to spring the surprise of their return on to the remaining players. The other players greet them with wild enthusiasm.  Clearly they haven’t stopped to think about the integrity of a game which allows two players two chances and everybody else only one. 

The two returnees will be exempt from the banishment at the round table which is about to take place.  Counterbalancing that is the fact that they will not get to vote on who does go at tonight’s round table carve up.  Before that there is one more piece of business to attend to.  In her armoury within the castle, Claudia has placed a number of small treasure chests.  Each member of the winning team in the earlier church-riddle challenge will go inside the armoury and select one chest.  When they open it, if it contains a shield then they will be exempt from being murdered by The Traitors for the night to come.  They can still be banished by the vote, but get through that and they can sleep soundly knowing that they are not going to be the one missing breakfast in the morning.

In a twist not totally believable the shield is uncovered by Tom.  Tom who has upset pretty much everyone with secret relationship with Alex and his pitiful inability to read people which saw the popular Ivan turfed out last time they met at the round table.  Effectively, everyone on Tom’s team during the church riddle fiasco is save from The Traitors.  Since they don’t know which of them has the shield The Traitors have to assume that murdering any one of the winning team is potentially a waste since they may have protection for the night.  The murder will be of someone from the losing team.

But first the dreaded vote and the now familiar pre-vote conversation/argument in which tenuous reasons are offered as to why various people absolutely must be a traitor.  The most significant remarks belong to Maddy who is absolutely convinced that both Wilfred and Aaron are Traitors.  Well, she is half right which is about 50% better than anyone else has managed through five episodes so far. 

Happily for Wilf, Maddy is the only one with this line of thought and so hers is the solitary vote that he receives.  Much of the attention is again on Tom and Alex.  The group just can’t get over their deceit of a few days ago.  Matt has stopped crying about it, but he is still voting Tom’s arse out of here as soon as he possibly can.  It is looking close between the two until the latter part of the process when Tom streaks ahead and is bounced out.  The magician with the uncanny ability to read people will get no more opportunities to do so.  It feels a little contrived.  Not the fact that people would vote for the proven liar with so little else to go on, but the fact that he exposed himself as the liar in the first place.  Why would he go into the competition having plotted to keep his relationship secret for the long haul and then blurt it out less than a quarter of the way in?  I wouldn’t be surprised to find out in a later episode that Tom and Alex are not a couple at all.

Saying his goodbyes Tom has the duty to inform the group that they have yet again failed to find a Traitor.  Of course, despite his bonkers magic circle spiel and his secret coupling, Tom is not A Traitor.  So that is Tom, Imran, Ivan and Nicky all voted off by their fellow Faithfuls who – it transpires – couldn’t find a Traitor in a room full of Sol Campbells.  It is not going well.  The thought crosses my mind at this point that Kieran and Amos have been summoned back into the group to bump up the number of Faitfhfuls because there are still another seven episodes left after this one.  At the rate they are going they might not last the distance. 

Tom’s exit makes Alex curiously tearful.  As if it is some kind of gut-wrenching break-up when in the first place she could do about seven levels better and in the second place he will be waiting for her in about a week when this whole charade comes to an end.  For everyone else it is the deja-vu of befuddled conversations about how stupid they have all been and how sure they all were that Tom was a wrong un’.  Still the chat amongst them is that one of Tom or Alex has to be a Traitor.  Which, while absolutely false, does seem to leave Alex a fraction vulnerable if she makes it to the next round table ousting. 

Which she will.  She will because Matt will not.  It is becoming a little formulaic but The Traitors again come up with three names for potential victimhood when they begin their discussions about who to murder next.  This time it is Matt, surprise candidate Andrea who has done nothing whatsoever to offend anyone but is considered because of the potential shock value of such a move and because – apparently – she is forming a bond with Amos which is considered dangerous.  Lastly there is Fay, who has looked a likely candidate for the boot for some time now but continues to dodge the nightly bullet. 

Episode six begins in its now traditional fashion, at breakfast.  When it turns out to be Matt who doesn't come through the door it is Aaron who seems most affected.  He looks far more upset about it than Matt is.  Matt is quite philosophical about it, which is interesting since it now means that he has been torn away from Alex.  Maybe he's got over it.  That didn't take long considering he was bursting into tears over her just a couple of days ago.  

Things move fast inside the castle.

The Traitors - The Difficult Second Blog

So, did I say Tom was a non-entity? I’m four and a bit episodes in now and he has become anything but. He has been transformed from background-dweller - albeit with a secret -  to a strong candidate for the title of most annoying half-wit among the remaining contestants.

But before we address Tom’s turn for the worst let’s take a step back to episode 3 where I left you last time. There was the obligatory ‘mission’, which is some sort of group task for the purpose of raising money for the prize fund. They went to the worst fairground ever assembled. It appeared to have only one ride which was a big wheel with no seats. 

However you don’t need seats to answer provocative questions about your fellow contestants. You can do it hanging upside down. Although it must have been tricky having to write a name down on a card every time you were asked ‘who is the most/least likely person to (insert unscrupulous/noble act here).  The questions were glaringly designed to create more conflict. All fuel for the fire. Yet to be quite honest the ‘missions’ are insignificant for the most part. So much so that I would recommend you record the show and fast forward through them so that you can get to the arguing, boneheaded, speculation with highly tenuous foundation and drama queenery. 

Episode Three’s most dramatic moment is provided by Aaron. I think he’s meant to appeal to female viewers but for me he emanates huge Ed Gamble vibes. For the first time his name comes up in the discussions around the round table, a place where the contestants baselessly point the finger at each other before voting out whoever they think is a Traitor. To say Aaron doesn’t take kindly to the suspicion aimed at him is something of an understatement. He has what looks like a full scale panic attack and has to leave the room. 

Before that moment much of the focus had been on Imran. His oversight in never having uttered the phrase ‘I’m not a Traitor’ out loud is about to be the death of him. That and - I suppose - his perceived arrogance which comes from the fact that he has repeatedly told everyone that he is the youngest person in the world to ever gain a PHD in Astrophysics. Baffling then how a man of such high intelligence has failed to outwit a group of people with a collective IQ of about 13. Yet Imran is where he is and - after Aaron plucks up the courage to come back from his mini breakdown- the Astrophysics prodigy’s star burns out and dies. 

Yet much like the earlier decision to remove Nicky because she decided not to use her one hand to raise a glass for a toast, Imran’s removal is sheer herd mentality. Theo - another over emotional gibberer who rivals Aaron for overreaction - is the instigator. He’s convinced that Imran is a Traitor and manages to convince enough of the others of it too. Inevitably, he and those who followed him are completely wrong. 

Announcing his Faithfuldom, he resists the temptation to call Theo out for being the unabashed cretin that he is and instead focuses on the positives. He’s had a great time, met some great people. The sort of thing Claudia will have heard so many times before on Strictly. Has anyone ever been voted off Strictly and - when asked about their experience - said ‘it’s been shit, I hated everyone’? Genuine question. Like I said, I stopped watching some time around Russell Grant. 

The Traitors gives you the platform to do it but Imran nobly resists. Maybe he goes too far by suggesting that the eventual winner will probably use the money more wisely than he would have but all in all it is a dignified exit.  

With a twist in the episode’s tale still to come John sets about making himself vulnerable. John is Scottish, bald and gay which reminds me of another scene from The Young Ones. The one from the graveyard with Hale And Pace in the pit, Steve Frost digging the grave and Arnold Brown’s victim confessing to ‘being Scottish and Jewish…two stereotypes for the price of one. Perhaps the best value in the graveyard today’. Along with his protected characteristics it turns out that John is also a loud, obnoxious bully. He begins grilling Aaron for leaving the round table, inevitably hinting that it might be the Ed Gamble tribute act offing people when the sun goes down. John might be right about Aaron’s antics. They could have been solely for effect. But unfortunately for John it is 2022 and you cannot tear a strip off someone for having a panic attack. Even a questionable one. John has edged nearer that graveyard.

But not, it seems, immediately. Because here is the twist. The established pattern is that after the round table vote the survivors are left alone for a few hours to mingle, have a few drinks and have another Catch-22 style circular argument about who might be a Traitor. After which a bell chimes and they are all whisked away to their own lodgings in Range Rovers. At which point The Traitors are taken to their broom cupboard to decide whose name is next to go in the sealed envelope signifying their murder and elimination from the contest. 

That’s not happening on this night. On this night Claudia has gatecrashed The Traitors’ party to inform that there will be no murder tonight. Instead, The Traitors will nominate three members of the group to be put on trial throughout the next day. At the end of the day one of the three will be whacked. With it’s Who Wants To Be A Millionaire penchant for a cliffhanger episode three ends there. Which is inconvenient for me because I then have to watch the start of episode four to find out who the unfortunate trio are. I’m watching this at about 11.30 on a weekday night. I’m in the office tomorrow (as opposed to working from home where you can roll out of bed and virtually land at what passes for your desk). But there is no decision to be made. If I go to bed now I won’t sleep anyway. It’s one of those where you just have to know. If this thing had a week between episodes I’d probably give up watching and maybe Google the answer. Or not.

But I don’t because I’m still two episodes behind and the answers to each cliffhanger are still instantly available. Besides this - as dreadful as it is - is compulsive viewing. As has become the norm episode four begins with the contestants filing in to the breakfast room. They don’t yet know that there has been no murder so they are expecting one person to fail to emerge. When Claudia breaks the news it provokes the usual round of wailing and gnashing of teeth. She has revealed that it will be John on trial along with Alex (previously peripheral but about to be absolutely the centre of attention) and seemingly harmless, top-knotted, grinning author Ivan.  All of which brings us back to the previously insignificant Tom.

Perhaps spooked by the notion that his girl Alex might be about to depart the show he stands up and tells everyone that Alex is not only a Faithful but is also his girlfriend. He tries to explain the deceit with some half-baked gubbins about how they came in together to try and smoke out Traitors. So it was necessary to keep it a secret. Don’t you see? No. Me neither. If he’s expecting nods of agreement and understanding from the others he’s disappointed. Most, including pushy, shouty John, are outraged. Hannah, hitherto hardly heard to say or do anything noteworthy, is another who protests loudly. But the best reaction is that of Matt.

Now, remember when Matt referred to Alex as ‘possibly my future wife’ within about 36 hours of meeting her? That seemed extreme to me.  But next to his reaction at finding out about Alex and Tom it now looks like a display of faultless rationality. He doesn’t really say anything. Instead the sides of his mouth take a downward turn in the manner of a child who has been prohibited from picking up anything from the confectionary aisle at Tesco. He then bursts into actual tears. It’s a sight to behold if it is not an act. 

This is not how normal people react when they find out that someone they just met already has a partner. Be angry about Alex’s flirting, tell her exactly what you think. She has openly admitted on camera that she was flirting with Matt to divert people away from the truth. That’s an act of cruelty. But not one worthy of a grown man who barely knows you bursting into tears before slumping face down on the table as if he has just been told that his house has burned down with all of his family trapped inside. It’s peak drama queenery. Tellingly, Traitor and sociopath Alyssa is among the first there to console emotionally unbalanced Matt.

And so to the mission. I really did fast forward this one. It was all about identifying different sheep from the descriptions given by their fellow players.  A sort of Guess Who? with sheep instead of bespectacled serial killer types. I’m quite sure nothing of any significance was said but some more money was added to the prize fund. So that’s nice. Oh, there was one thing of note. The three on trial were asked to select the teams for the sheep identification mission and Ivan instantly chose Tom. To keep him away from Alex, he observed coldly.

That’s good news for Matt. If he has to watch Tom and Alex interacting as a couple he might very well explode. Mind, he’s not helping himself. Rather than put it down to experience and vote for Alex over and over until she’s gone, he instead decides that he needs to have a heart to heart chat with her. No Matt, you don’t. You’ve suffered enough. All you will achieve is to help her offload her guilt. You will still be left holding the shitty stick. Of course that is exactly what transpires. Strangely, he does not offer the same truce to Tom.

This is very much Tom’s episode as it turns out. Back at the round table he is very vocal. Cringingly, he reveals that he is a magician and therefore is really good at reading people. Hannah and Maddy are particularly skeptical of this alleged talent. They do not share his absolute conviction that Ivan is a Traitor. A bloody good Traitor, he backhands, but a Traitor nonetheless. Tom can’t possibly be this certain about Ivan’s treachery because it just isn’t true. His bonkers monologue does influence some in the group but there are almost as many who don’t believe a word he’s telling them. I think it is Maddy who observes that she doesn’t like magic because she doesn’t like not knowing how things are done. Not to worry Maddy, no magic here.

But there is a very close vote. As a result of Tom and Alex having kept their secret it is Alex who cops many of the votes. Only one person takes the obvious decision and votes for Tom. Yet as unpopular as she is becoming Alex isn’t quite disliked enough to get the boot. Ivan edges that by a single vote, delivered with the appropriate level of drama by Amanda. A Traitor. Which Ivan is very much not. For the third time the group have eliminated a Faithful. And each time there have been at least a couple of people who were 100% convinced that they were losing a Traitor. Cue more discussions about each other’s bewilderment and a good deal of self recrimination all around.  

Ivan was one of the three named on trial at the start of the day. His exit doesn’t change the fact that one of the trialists will be getting the sealed envelope marked ‘do one’ tonight. That means either Alex or John.  Roll credits and on to episode five, or at least enough of it to satisfy my curiosity.  The next day it’s back to the established routine of filing into the breakfast room. Only this time the suspense over who will walk in last is limited to just Alex and John from the outset. Tom - who should probably reflect that he is the luckiest bloke alive to have avoided banishment - looks like he is about to have a stroke as he waits to see if Alex comes through the door.  

Which she does. Despite Amanda’s assertion that The Traitors needed to break up the happy couple the instead choose to remove John. The rationale seems to be that Alex’s exit will take care of itself at the round table at some point following her part in the big deceit. She avoided banishment by a whisker the previous day. The seed is sown among the others that she is not to be trusted. Nobody is - that’s the game - but now she has given the group a concrete reason to mistrust her rather than the groundless psychobabble which has dominated discussions about the identity of The Traitors until now. Alex will keep. John meanwhile has been deemed a clear and present danger. 

 

The Traitors

 I don't normally write about TV.  It's even rarer that I will actually sit and watch a reality TV show.  Emma and I gave up on Strictly about seven years ago (has Russell Grant been voted out yet?) and I only watched the very first series of Big Brother before concluding that it was less a social experiment and more the beginning of the current culture in which everyone starts out their TV career on a reality show and ends up presenting Newsnight.  Or similar. Ok. Maybe only Hilarious TV Disasters on Channel 5. But you get the idea.

The Traitors is not a social experiment either.  It's just a different way of offering vanity junkies a chance to get a break in TV.  All they need to do is debase themselves for long enough to get noticed. Yet the show does illustrate perfectly why reality shows have lasted for as long as they have. By now they are pretty much the only shows out there.  It is wildly addictive.  Probably because it panders to our base instinct to look at others and judge them before criticising and gossiping about them at work the next day.  If it makes you feel better that you are not as obnoxious as these vacuous, fame-hungry weasels then fair play to you.  Maybe we all need a bit of that.

I have only watched two and a bit episodes of The Traitors.  If you haven't watched any of it yet but you still intend to I should warn you that spoilers for episodes one and two and a bit of three will be sprinkled within the rest of this piece.  

The basic premise of The Traitors is simple enough.  A group of people (22 I think) are taken to a remote Scottish castle where they are greeted by Strictly foghorn Claudia Winkleman.  Only they get a different Claudia from the one who pollutes our screens from September to December on a Saturday night.  This Claudia is much more reserved, considered and - as it turns out - utterly ruthless.  

Standing outside the castle she tells the group that they are all in with a chance of winning up to £120,000.  She mentions that figure repeatedly throughout episode one but always with the words 'up to' as a prefix.  Which suggests that whoever comes out of this shit show smelling of loyalty will not quite scoop that amount all for themselves.  To win at least a share of it all they have to do to is survive.  For as long as they do they will take part in group tasks to build up the prize fund.  So by day they are working as a team before each night one of them will be 'murdered' by The Traitors and therefore forced to leave.  With nothing, as Anne Robinson used to say before they gave the gig to Romesh because - let's be honest - Romesh is not on TV nearly enough is he?

Before the contestants even enter the castle Claudia displays her new found ruthless streak.  She asks them to line-up according to how likely they think they are to win the competition.  Those who fancy their chances at one end sliding down through those who are not so sure either way right down towards those who reckon they are a bit of a long shot at the other end of the line.  How right two of them at the fag end of the line are, as they are then instantly dismissed.  Punished for their lack of self belief or - more likely - for their hateful faux humility. Or for the kind of sensationalist ‘drama’ that these shows thrive on.  The only consolation for these two lads is that they presumably get to go back on the luxurious steam train which brought them to the castle.  It looked like there was some stunning views on the journey.  Not at all like getting the boneshaker from Thatto Heath to Lime Street.  

Shock eviction out of the way, who are The Traitors who are set to embark on this murderous spree?  The titular characters are three members of the group selected by Claudia.  She does this by sitting them all at a round table and getting them to blindfold themselves.  She then walks around said table and touches three of them on the shoulder to indicate that they have been selected for some heavy duty treachery.  She selects Alyssa, Wilf and Amanda.  We are not told why but at the end of each episode - or at least the two I have seen in full - the trio gather round to deliberate in a dark room like the broom cupboard that The Young Ones held that house meeting in.  You know the one?  Sleep gives you cancer, man, everyone knows that.

They discuss who to bump off from the show based on not very much at all.   It doesn't matter why anyway.  It's all about playing the game which means doing whatever it takes to be the last person left. Who cares who goes as long as it isn’t you? The Traitors wear hooded garments which make them look more like the Sand People than the Jedi.  Most of all they revel in their own new found self-importance, as if the self esteem fairy has just tapped them on the shoulder and told them that they absolutely fucking rock.  Particularly Alyssa who from very early on is showing worrying signs of sociopathy.  

If it seems unfair that they get to choose who goes on the basis that they are never going to choose themselves then fear not.  Those desperately clever reality show devisors have worked in a mechanism for The Traitors to leave along the way too.  As well as 'murders' there are 'banishments'.  These again involve the big round table.  Everyone sits around it - including The Traitors so that their identity is not revealed to the others (known somewhat mawkishly as Faithfuls) - where they argue about who they think The Traitors might be before each getting their own vote on it.  They all vote for one person who they think is a Traitor and the person with the most votes gets back on the steam train and goes home.  Or maybe the steam train was just for show in the opening episode and they actually get picked up by their significant other in their Ford Focus, who knows?  

While it is possible that a Traitor could get the most votes in this process they do still have the advantage of knowing that they are a Traitor and of knowing who the other traitors are.  This would seem to protect them from receiving the three votes that they possess between them.  Not a huge advantage but not a pure democracy either. There are more echoes of The Weakest Link here as we go around the room revealing who each person has chosen to vote off.  

The first victim of the vote is Nicky, a 45 year-old mother of a 26 year-old man.  She is missing a hand, and openly admits in The Traitors' version of the diary room that if she wins the money she will be buying herself a new hand.  All of which is a bit Luke/Anakin Skywalker but the real problem with it for me is that it portrays disabled people as being desperate to fix whatever disability they have.  We are really not in most cases.  Most of us are just trying to fix society so that having only one hand doesn't get you voted off a lucrative reality TV show.  We have probably got it the wrong way around.  It is probably easier for me to cure Spina Bifida than it is to stop wider society from acting like ableist goons.  

Much like The Traitors, The Faithfuls don’t have a lot of reasoning for their choice. All they can muster is some psychobollocks about Nicky having ‘planted seeds’ in others. If depriving someone of a chance to win a small fortune for spurious reasons is difficult for the group - Traitor or Faithful - it’s nothing next to how uncomfortable the viewer feels watching them all sheepishly turn over their voting cards to reveal the name of Nicky. Alyssa actually cries at one point. A superb display of over-acting with a blatantly sinister undertone. 

Yet Nicky’s best moment of her short stay is still to come. Before she leaves she is required to reveal to the group whether they were right to vote her off as a Traitor or whether they have reduced the number of Faithfuls. Not being Wilf, Alyssa or Alison she is of course a Faithful. Cue more crying, over-acting and several idiots being ‘100% sure’ she was a Traitor. All except one agree that it is absolutely unbelievable that Nicky was not a Traitor. Which it absolutely is not. There was zero evidence in the short time that they knew her except for an absent hand. The one outlier is Aaron. He knows that Nicky has been the victim of thought deficient herd mentality and let’s the others know it. He should probably watch his back.

Back in the diary room - which isn't called that but doesn't seem to have a name so we will go with it - we learn more about this show's cast of desperadoes.  It is the one place that they know that only the show's producers and subsequently its viewers are listening.  The rest of the time, when they are within the group, everyone is either trying to stay in the background and not saying very much or they are putting on a show.  Or both.  It is here we learn that Alex - a sort of young Lesley Ash without the lip debacle - is in a relationship with another contestant.  Sorry. Another Faihful..  Pink-haired non-entity Tom.  They are keeping it a secret, she tells us.  Whether or not the producers of the show know this is not quite clear.  Probably not, but it is never explicitly stated.  

One man who definitely doesn't know is love-struck simpleton Matt.  Alex has deliberately been flirting with Matt to throw everybody off the scent about her relationship with Tom.  At one point when it looks like Alex might actually be murdered by The Traitors Matt actually and almost tearfully refers to her as 'possibly his future wife'.  At this point my cringe-ometer starts making a loud alarm sound and I almost have to turn the TV off.  He has just met her and he is talking about marrying her.  As if even without Tom's presence the fact that they are competing for a huge sum of money won't cause any major issues between them along the way.  As if they are Katniss and Peeta, refusing to play the Gamemakers' sick sport.  Matt's delusion is a tough watch.  Meanwhile Alex's willingness to inflict this cruelty on him is exactly the sort of quality that the eventual champion is likely to possess.  

Which brings us on to something else that I didn't like about The Traitors.  The way that we - the viewers - and the surviving contestants get to find out who has been whacked overnight.  Matt has probably been whacking himself but that is another story. Everyone is required to go to breakfast together every morning except for the obvious absentee.  When everyone has arrived except one person then it becomes clear who has bought it.  

Yet because this is a TV show they have to ratchet up the tension for us.  So they get the survivors to come down in small groups until they are down to around three and then two.  What we know is that the person who comes in last and therefore is the last survivor is also someone that we have recently seen The Traitors discussing in their broom cupboard killing meetings.  If I was the last survivor I would be wondering why I have been asked to come down so long after everybody else.  I would be thinking that there has clearly been a discussion about getting rid of me and I would then be wondering how long I had left.  Maybe they haven't made the connection between entering the breakfast room last and the killing meetings.  They are not privy to them like we are, but it seems kind of obvious, doesn’t it? It cannot be a coincidence that Alex - who was one of three discussed in the previous show by The Traitors - enters the room last. 

In doing so she reveals that ex-copper Claire from Hull has spent her last day in this dystopian ego fest.  Claire who only a 10-minute edit earlier had told us how good she was at knowing when people are lying. She was one of the ringleaders in the ousting of Nicky so it is hard to feel sorry for her. 

Again there seems little logic in her expulsion but at this stage there are slim pickings when it comes to justification for banishment. I’m sure as the series goes on and relationships grow and crumble in equal measure there will at least be some classic grudging going on. That we can get our heads around. That is something which should help us understand why hopefuls are exiting faster than Wales at a World Cup.

I’m just not sure whether I’ll still be watching. After another round of tear-shedding at the loss of Claire I start to wonder how long this cycle of argument-vote-disbelief and tears-murder-more disbelief and tears can go on for. And how long will Matt’s ordeal go on for? 

This is why I rarely watch reality shows. 

NFL London - Misinformation On the Rodgers-Tennant Scale

 I feel compelled to tell you about another scandalous access issue, this time in our nation’s capital on Sunday night (October 9).

Sunday was a fantastic day albeit with a slightly sad and annoying ending. We had tickets for the NFL game between the Green Bay Packers and the New York Giants at the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium. Saturday was my 47th birthday (I know…thanks) and we had been in High Wycombe. Why would you go there on your birthday? Well, Emma’s mum and dad live there and it would break the back of the journey and give us a chance to go out for a few beers and something to eat. 

When we arrived at the Travelodge at Edmonton at around midday we thought we were too early to check in. Unperturbed by this I just asked if there was anywhere to store our luggage until we came back from the stadium. I was told there was not so we just left it in the car and headed off down towards the bus stop.

A 5 minute bus ride later we disembarked and headed for a great pub just 50 yards away from the stop called the Gilpin Bell. On the bus we met a couple of Los Angeles Chargers fans who claimed to have been at the Super Bowl a few years ago when the San Francisco 49ers met the Kansas City Chiefs. I’m a 49ers man myself so there was a high envy factor involved in this conversation. Emma didn’t get involved. She leaves talking to strangers to me. It is not quite clear how this couple scored tickets for one of the biggest sporting events in the world but you know what? The 49ers lost that game anyway. Small mercies and all that.

We had time at the Gilpin Bell for one and then on to investigate the Coach & Horses that Emma’s dad had told us about. He came here with a friend to watch Spurs play Fulham a few weeks ago. The Gilpin was much better, truth be told. Better access. You couldn’t actually get access to the indoor area of the Coach & Horses if you use a wheelchair so it is lucky that the weather was good and everybody was outside anyway. In there we met this Pittsburgh Steelers fan called Steve (he called me Steve too…why do people assume I’m a Steve? I’m no more a Steve than I am a Gillian). We later saw Steve on the big screen inside the stadium during the game.  He seemed to be enjoying himself in a way that is very American. Frantic waving, excited smiles, all that. He was enjoying himself more than say…Roy Keane… who just shook his head in disgust when he was caught on the roaming camera at one point during the game. 

It took a bit of time to get inside the stadium. Several Spurs staff members didn’t seem to know their way around their place of work. That happened to me in June but to be fair I’d had three months off during which time a complete refurbishment and restructure had taken place. I literally had to get the receptionist to show me to the office. Finally on this occasion we were saved by a passing employee who knew his job and were directed to the concourse. 

At the bar the guy serving didn’t really know what I meant when I said I couldn’t drink draught beer. I can’t drink draught beer at the moment because if I do my stomach will explode but it didn’t seem right to explain that to him in detail. The only other lager they had in bottles was non alcoholic so I settled on cans of Guinness during the game. 

Emma had draught lager but was not happy that the plastic glasses, which are filled from the bottom up, leaked from the bottom. Filling the glass from the bottom is alright for a gimmick the first time you see it, but when lager which costs about £7 a pint is being lost it veers into national disgrace territory.

Our view was pretty good, certainly compared to Old Trafford or the abomination that is Accrington Stanley. Where we were at Spurs it’s about the same height as my view at Saints but behind the sticks (or uprights in the NFL) rather than to one side. It was an enjoyable experience despite fans around us standing up a lot, constant interruptions from Sam Quek when the ball was dead and the fact that the Packers - that’s Emma’s team - managed to lose to the Giants. 

They went down 27-22 with the Fucking Liar Aaron Rodgers playing like a total drain. We call the Green Bay quarterback that after the David Tennant/Michael Sheen joke in Staged. If you haven’t seen it, do. A classic of the ‘This Was Clearly Made In Lockdown’ genre. Rodgers missed a game or two last year because he was unvaccinated having hinted earlier that he had been ‘immunised’. It’s all a bit Novak Djokovic but in America Aaron gets away with it because he’s deified like John Lennon or Elvis. Or Mal Meninga in Parr. 

We headed back to the Gilpin to watch the last half hour of Liverpool’s 3-2 loss at Arsenal and all of Everton’s 2-1 home defeat by Manchester United. Then we took in a bit of NFL Red Zone. For the initiated that is rolling highlights of all the games that go on at the same time on a Sunday rather than full live coverage of just one. The shirts mixed happily, united over an inexplicable love of NFL since the 1980s. Except the Cincinnati Bengals. Over the course of the day we saw every single NFL shirt on display by fans except for Bengals. 

I even saw some poor soul in an old Washington Redskins shirt. They are not even called that now. The name was deemed offensive so they changed it to Washington Commanders. Having boxed off racism, next year they hope to address their culture of sexism and harassment of their cheerleaders. One thing at a time. 

By the way I have no clue why nobody in that pub seemed to like the Bengals but it was slightly annoying not to see the full set of 32. If I could have done without one it would have been the newly named Commies. Or the Patriots. I’ve hated the Patriots since Trumpian Tom Brady turned up there about 20 years ago. 

It was back at the Travelodge that things got really shitty. There was a disabled woman in front of me who seemed to be failing in her attempts to secure an accessible room until she told the receptionist that she was with The Chase. I wasn’t worried at this point because I knew our room had been booked in July by Emma’s mum. I was asked if I was with The Chase too and, naively knowing what I know now, admitted that I was not. I should have told her I was Mark Fucking Labett. 

The woman won her argument and got her room. When it came to our turn we were not so lucky. We were told that their policy of over-booking meant that they were perfectly at liberty to give our accessible room away no matter when it had been booked. If I was a cynic I would say that the lady in front of me got hers because she was with The Chase. 

I am a cynic so I am saying that. The big quiz show can’t be seen to be leaving it’s disabled contestants out on the street. I don’t know when her show goes out but I hope she loses in humiliating circumstances. She’s probably a Low Offer Wanker anyway. Looks the sort.

We had to settle for a regular room which didn’t have a wide enough bathroom for my wheelchair. The alternative was another Travelodge in Enfield. Neither of us could drive as we had been drinking. They offered a taxi but we did not want to be in a totally different town and then have to come back for the car in the morning. The main rationale for this was a beer fuelled ‘why should we?’ but I haven’t regretted it in the cold light of day since. I ended up pissing in the bin. I’m not sorry about that either. They’re just lucky my stomach didn’t explode.

In the morning we complained to the manager who backed up her staff. This confirmed to us that it is impossible for anyone to guarantee themselves a room at Edmonton Travelodge even if they book three months in advance. That’s one thing if you are able bodied - you still have a great chance of getting one of the 80 rooms in the establishment. It is quite another if you are disabled in which case your chances of getting one of the three accessible rooms are pretty thin. 

Worse still, the manager had seen me at midday when I asked her about storing the luggage. She neglected to inform me that I could check in then although she must have known I intended to stay there. They have an early check-in service costing £10. That’s basically a tax on disability but I would have probably paid it had the overbooking policy been explained to me then. It was not on any of the correspondence for which they ‘could only apologise’. I’m still not apologising for the bin.

Furthermore, the girl on reception had told me that there were no other disabled toilets in the hotel other than those in the accessible rooms. This was misinformation on the Rodgers-Tennant Scale. We found one on our way out. Using it would have meant having to come downstairs for a wee - possibly in the middle of the night - but that would have been preferable to pissing in the bin. Ah well…it’s their bin and only I and the 12 people who read this will ever know.

All of this is a bit of a shame because it’s in a fantastic spot to get to what is probably the best stadium in the country. Including Crusader Park in Thatto Heath. I really want to go back either for the NFL or if - like this year - the Rugby League Challenge Cup Final ever finds itself back there. 

Maybe there’ll be a Premier Inn within reach. The only problem I’ve ever had with them is Lenny Henry.

Leeds Rhinos v Saints - Preview

Well, hello again. It’s been a while. So long in fact that the first entry on these pages in 2022 focuses on Saints’ BetFred Super League Round 7 visit to Headingley to take on Leeds Rhinos.

These sides have had wildly contrasting starts to the season. Saints sit top of the early table having lost only one of their opening six league games. They are the competition’s leading points scorers with 176 at an average of 29.3 per game, while no team in the top flight have conceded fewer than the 50 given up so far by Kristian Woolf’s men (8.3 points per game). 

Compare that to the 10th placed Rhinos who have given up 141 points in their six outings so far at an average of 23.5 per game. Only Toulouse, Castleford and Salford have conceded more points so far this season. No Super League team has posted fewer than Leeds’ 90 points across the first six rounds. That’s just 15 points per game.

If the stats look bad for Leeds then perhaps their main hope can be found in the still significant absences in the Saints 21-man squad. The champions are still without Will Hopoate, Matty Lees and Sione Mata’utia through injury. Regan Grace made his first appearance of the season in last week’s 46-4 Challenge Cup win at Whitehaven but misses out again here after leaving the action early at the LEL Arena. All of which means that Sam Royle and Jon Bennison keep their places in the initial selection as does prop Dan Norman. The former London Bronco has waited an age for his first team opportunities since making the move north at the start of 2021 but has now scored tries in his last two outings. 

What will not encourage Leeds so much is the return of Alex Walmsley. The England international has not featured since a 28-2 win over Warrington on March 11 but looks set for a return in this one. That’s especially bad news for Leeds when you consider that the 31 year-old has averaged 229.5 metres in his last two appearances against the Rhinos. In the final game of the 2021 regular season Walmsley shredded Leeds for 275 metres. He followed that up with 184 when the teams met for a place at Old Trafford three weeks later. If he’s fully fit Walmsley is a certain starter leaving  Norman, Agnatius Paasi, Kyle Amor and Louie McCarthy-Scarsbrook to compete for the starting berth which ordinarily belongs to Lees.

Also set for a return having been rested last week is Morgan Knowles. It is no exaggeration to say that Saints are a different animal defensively with both Walmsley and Knowles on the field. Knowles should get the nod to start ahead of Jake Wingfield who deputised at Whitehaven. With Mata’utia out there may be another starting opportunity for former Manly Sea Eagle Curtis Sironen. The Australian former City Origin representative has managed only four appearances for his new club so far and will be hoping for a run in the side to help build some form. His omission so far has largely been down to the excellent strides made by Joe Batchelor. The former York man has nailed down a regular starting spot this year after initially struggling to establish himself. Sironen has it all on to keep hold of a starting shirt at Batchelor’s expense when the previously in-form Mata’utia returns to fitness.

Which brings us to the hooking role. We’re all set for a special occasion for a very special number nine. James Roby looks certain to make his 500th appearance for the club whether that is from the start or from the bench behind Joey Lussick. Only three other Saints have reached that milestone. Kel Coslett (531), Eric Chisnall (523) and Billy Benyon (514) are the men ahead of Roby on Saints all-time appearance list. He could still surpass one or two of them by the end of what is expected to be his final season in the red vee. 

Full disclosure - I’ve always been Team Cunningham in the great debate between Saints two all-time great hookers. Cunningham was an absolute freak of a player in his youth who seemed impossible to tackle with his speed off the mark and his powerful high knee lift running style. I’d argue that he played against better teams too, with the salary cap having by now spread talent around the league and so driven down standards among the very best teams. But that is not to take anything away from the brilliance of Roby who - like Cunningham - can do it all offensively and defensively, has an inexhaustible energy and is a fine leader and tactician. Roby deserves all the accolades and plaudits that will come his way when he retires - even his own statue. For now he remains a key piece of the Saints puzzle and will be fresh having only played a short cameo at Whitehaven last weekend.

Without Hopoate and Grace the back line should have a similar look to it as it had prior to Grace’s brief return last week. Josh Simm should come back into the right wing spot from where he has scored four tries already this season. On the opposite side will be the now veteran Tommy Makinson. His switch to Saints’ busier attacking flank has helped him notch eight tries of his own this term. Yet even when he is not scoring tries Makinson’s qualities as a kick returner, metre-maker, defender and all around inspiration need no further elaboration. 

Mark Percival might have expected to be partnered in the centres more regularly by Hopoate but the Tongan’s struggles with fitness have offered former Rhino Konrad Hurrell the chance to show that he can still do it in the three-quarters. Hurrell appears to have a renewed enthusiasm for his rugby under his national coach. That has helped turn Simm into a winger and has meant that Saints haven’t felt the blow of losing Hopoate for so many games too harshly. I will again put my cards on the table and admit to being riddled with scepticism when Woolf brought Hurrell over from Headingley but to this point the former Gold Coast Titan is proving his worth.  

In the creative department Jack Welsby is settling into Lachlan Coote’s old fullback role, while Jonny Lomax and Lewis Dodd are establishing a great halfback partnership which justifies the decision to allow Theo Fages to join Huddersfield more with each passing week. 

This column priding itself on at least the appearance of balance we need to talk about Leeds. At the start of the season during the 13 Pro-Am season preview shows I was repeatedly firm in my conviction that Leeds would be much better this year and that they should be competing for at least a top four spot. I still look at their squad and wonder why it is not happening for them. The biggest disappointment for them has to be the performance of their new halfback combination of Blake Austin and Aidan Sezer. The two were once deemed good enough to form an NRL partnership with Canberra Raiders so should really be lording it over most of the opposition in Super League. Yet though he starred for Huddersfield when fit Sezer in particular has flitted between flustered, inept and disinterested so far in a Rhinos shirt. Meanwhile Austin’s Powers appear to be waning. Perhaps Daryl Powell does know something about this game after all. 

It has all added up to a miserable season so far for Leeds, culminating in a solitary win over Wakefield Trinity and the mutual consenting of coach Richard Agar through the exit door. Pseudo psychologist Jamie Jones-Buchanan is in interim charge at present while Gary Hetherington combs Australia for the right man to take the club forward. If he finds him then all is not lost. It is still early enough in the season for a squad containing the likes of Jack Walker, Harry Newman, Ash Handley, Mikolaj Oledzki, Matt Prior, Kruise Leeming, James Bentley and Zane Tetevano to clamber back into playoff contention. But the turnaround needs to happen soon. A visit from the champions of the last three seasons must be about as welcome as Chris Rock at the Alopecia Society. 

For now Jones-Buchanan still has his share of injuries and absentees to worry about. Brad Dwyer picked up a ban after he was sin-binned for tripping in last week’s Challenge Cup hammering by Castleford, while Tetevano will serve the last of his two-match suspension here also. Newman, Ritchie Myler and Tom Holroyd are all still missing as well as winger David Fusitu’a. His return has been delayed for a few more weeks by minor surgery on his knee. 

So is there enough quality available to the Rhinos to see them challenge Saints? Handley is the real deal on the wing and is set to make his 150th appearance for the club. The front row is solid in the form of Oledzki, Prior and Leeming although not having Dwyer available to inject into the action at the opportune moment could lessen Leeds’ threat from dummy half. James Bentley’s main challenge will be to keep his marbles in place against his former team-mates long enough to stay on the field. Rhyse Martin is a dependable presence in the back row and an excellent goal-kicker.

Yet it all still seems to come back to that faltering halfback partnership. Can it click into gear against the best side in the competition, with key pieces around it still missing and with morale about as low as it can go? You’d have to say probably not, which is why I expect Saints to run out comfortable winners, Leeds are probably in a false position which I expect to improve if Hetherington gets his coach finding mission right. Saints on the other hand are not in a false position. They will get home by at least 18.

Squads;  

Leeds Rhinos;

1 Jack Walker 4 Liam Sutcliffe 5 Ash Handley 6 Blake Austin 7 Aidan Sezer 8 Mikolaj Oledzki 9 Kruise Leeming 10 Matt Prior 11 James Bentley 12 Rhyse Martin 15 Alex Mellor 17 Cameron Smith 19 Bodene Thompson 20 Tom Briscoe 21 Morgan Gannon 23 Jack 24 Jarrod O’Connor 25 James Donaldson 27 Muizz Mustapha 28 Max Simpson 29 Liam Tindall

St Helens;

1, Jack Welsby, 2, Tommy Makinson, 4. Mark Percival, 6. Jonny Lomax, 7. Lewis Dodd, 8. Alex Walmsley, 9. James Roby, 12. Joe Batchelor, 13. Morgan Knowles, 14. Joey Lussick, 15. LMS, 16. Curtis Sironen, 17. Agnatius Paasi, 18. Kyle Amor, 19. Jake Wingfield, 21. Josh Simm, 22. Ben Davies, 23. Konrad Hurrell, 24. Dan Norman, 26. Sam Royle, 27. Jon Bennison.

Referee:  James Child

Guest House Paradiso

So I’m in hospital then. The Royal Liverpool to be specific.

It must have been some time around 2017 when a nephrologist called Matthew first mentioned the idea of a pre-emptive kidney transplant. Pre-empting dialysis that is. It’s pretty insane that I’ve managed to avoid dialysis in the five years since then. In that respect I’m very fortunate even though I don’t feel it right now, sitting here in a room that they clearly haven’t prepared for human inhabitance. There are holes in the wall as if somebody has fired a gun at it. There is a dialysis machine next to my bed, whirring away and taking up space. I’m not connected to it but despite repeated attempts to get them to move it, it remains. What part of ‘I’m not on dialysis’ do they not understand? But I’m here and I’m lucky to be.

This should have happened in the first half of 2020. Unfortunately Covid put paid to that. We were just waiting for theatre space when everything got locked down. Since then the restrictions have led to more and more delays. There was also a period when we couldn’t even think about it when we lost my dad. All of this would have been just too much for either me or my mum at that time. My mum is my donor. She’s in a different room just across the way. She was in here with me and Emma but she’s had to leave. She couldn’t put up with my anger when within five minutes of our arrival a rubbish nurse tried and failed to take blood from me. She did manage to bruise me so that’s something. Another nurse has just been in to have another go and she did it straight away. Taking blood that is, not bruising me. They have successfully taken blood on the 472 occasions I have visited the blood room recently. It’s remarkably easy. 

There is a window open in my room. On the 9th floor. It wasn’t fully open, just a bit loose and flappy, until the nurse who has just taken my blood just tried to properly close it. Well, you can’t be good at everything. She told me that they use a spoon to lock it. She left 15 minutes ago to get a spoon but she hasn’t been seen since. 

It’s a shitty room but unlike my mum’s it is my own room. It even has it’s own toilet which will be handy for sparing me the indignity of having to share those facilities when my incision reduces my mobility to that of Han Solo when he gets captured by the Empire in The Empire Strikes Back. On the toilet door is a sign that rather rudely and unnecessarily asks ‘is your poo loose?’. It also has a sign above that says ‘snacks available on request’. These two things seem somehow incompatible, like they don’t belong in the same space. 

The surgeon has been to see me. There were two of them actually, but I’ve only ever met one of them. He examined my pelvis again. For someone who doesn’t think my biffy shape will be a problem he seems slightly hung up on it. He seemed happy with what he found. He’s just about the only person in here that I trust. He went on to explain the plan for tomorrow in great detail, what drugs I’m going to be on and why. His confidence is a comfort. One of very few in this Hell hole. I asked him how long I’m likely to be stuck here in Guest House Paradiso (I didn’t call it that). He explained that the main barrier to patients going home is that a new kidney makes you pass too much water or something like that. So I can go home when I’m pissing normally. He didn’t put a figure on it.

Update. The transplant co-ordinator, Anne, has just been in to lock the open window. She did not use a spoon. Nor did she remove the whirring dialysis machine, however. She told me that it can’t be moved because it is ‘on a clean’. Essentially, the Royal is a place where equipment has to undergo noisy maintenance within the private room of a patient about to undergo life changing surgery. Next time you’re encouraged to go out on your doorstep to clap or bash your frying pan in appreciation of the NHS do so by all means. But don’t forget also to never vote Tory as long as you live. The state of this hospital is their legacy. The only good thing about this hospital room is that when the clouds part I can see Anfield out of the window. 

I realise you may not all appreciate the value in that.