Friday, 30 October 2015

Making A Mocha-ry Of Chocolate

Just a quickie tonight. I realise I have overloaded your brains with blogs this week, not all of which you have liked, but I couldn't let this one pass without comment. I can't let much pass without comment, truth be told.

Why don’t companies selling alternative flavours of popular products use different coloured packaging? I’ve just erroneously eaten a Kit-Kat Mocha and it wasn’t a pleasant experience. I hate anything coffee flavoured. I can’t drink coffee. This actually disappoints me more than anything. Every morning on the drive to work I marvel at how much the general public must spend on unnecessarily huge cartons of coffee from Costa, Starbucks or Nero and think that I’m missing out on something. If everyone is drinking it in such large quantities on the way to work, and spending so much to do so, then it must have a positive effect on them. It could all be in their minds, but even a placebo is better than nothing.

I have tried coffee numerous times, naively thinking that I can conquer my distaste of it. It didn’t seem unreasonable. I wouldn’t eat pizza until I was about 20 because of the amount of tomato on it. That was until I was very drunk and hungry one night and someone gave me a slice to try. Rather like when I first tried beer properly, I haven’t stopped eating pizza since. Except for that one time when I threw my pizza at a bloke in a taxi rank. I’d offered him a slice and he sniffed it and gave it back to me. How rude. I was in a transitional period that night. Which means I was drunk.

So anyway back to bloody Kit-Kat. I know I asked the question about why companies disguise their flavoured alternatives but I know the answer. It’s because they know that if they didn’t then nobody would buy the bloody things. Who in their right mind buys vanilla Coke, or Coke Lime or whatever the feck it is called? Every single can of this shite has been bought by someone who didn’t have time to look properly at the can and just picked up a red can thinking it was the real deal. It’s how Brendan Rodgers must have felt when he signed Mario Balotelli.

It’s been suggested to me that this incident was a clear case of ‘user error’ but I would dispute this. We’re all busy people. We can’t be expected to carefully study Kit-Kat packaging to look for the minutest label in the corner that reads ‘Mocha’. It’s like smallprint on a contract. Nobody reads it but everybody gets in a lather when they get royally shafted by some small detail that they missed. Often these details are hidden in 97 pages of terms and conditions which nobody will live long enough to justify reading. So it is with Kit-Kats. We don’t have time for your shit, chocolate manufacturers, so start playing fairly. You don’t get this with milk. If you want a different type of milk from the standard, full-fat stuff you look for a different coloured bottle top. Simple. Kit-Kat Mocha should come in a light brown packet and, in keeping with other coffee-related products, should be seventeen times more expensive than it has any right to be. If the woman serving me had asked me for £4.00 for it I would have recognised it as a coffee product, thus realising my mistake straight away and exchanging it for something that is not so far up its own arse.

I ate it anyway, by the way.

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