Friday, 14 February 2014

The St.Valentine's Day Massacre

Today is Valentine's Day. I hate Valentine's Day. Fucking loathe it. I'm getting angry about it now just thinking about it, hence the expletive. My fury may just be reflected in the remainder of this piece but that's ok cos it is just a blog. Not a newspaper column. Nobody said I was Henry Winter.

I hate Valentine's Day for all the obvious reasons really. It's a crass, overly commercialised vom-fest. An opportunity for card manufacturers to cash in on your guilt and the duress you're placed under by your signifcant other. To break your balls, in other words. I'm fortunate in that I have a partner who genuinely does not give two shits about Valentine's Day. She possibly hates it almost as much as I do. So I don't have to bother. Obviously that means I don't receive anything either but really, so what? We spend our money more wisely, let's put it that way. Not that anyone believes this when I tell them. They shake their heads in disbelief and come to the conclusion that I am an anti-romantic, lazy, rubbish boyfriend. Which I am, but that doesn't change the fact that my Mrs doesn't care.

Some people think I am lucky to have a partner given my general level of misery and grouchiness. Again they are right, but again it is what it is. The Sun shines on a dog's arse some days. Someone told me the other day that if she was my girlfriend and I didn't buy her a Valentine's card then she would dump me. This seems a little knee-jerk on her behalf so I'm suspicious of it's authenticity. Would any sensible person really throw away a long-term relationship for the sake of a bit of card with a tacky message inside? Or a bunch of flowers that will die by Thursday week if you are lucky? A box of chocolates that they will stuff down their necks in one night and then start moaning about putting on weight? Besides, if this person and I were the only two people left on Planet Earth I still don't think I could bother my arse to try and make it work out. The human race just isn't that important to me. I fucking hate people anyway. Why make more of them? I Can't work it out.

Valentine's Day also offends my anti-religious sensibilities. It's a Saints day, like any other. The only thing worse than people going to restaurants and eating heart-shaped desserts because it happens to be February 14 is people going out in large green hats and pretending to be Irish on March 17. It's fucking moronic. Stop it now, before it's too late. I am no more likely to celebrate St.Valentine's Day or St.Patrick's Day than I am St.David's Day (how many of you even know when that is?), or St.Swithens or whatever the fuck that is. I take my atheism very seriously. I have no patience with the view that God exists. It's just a completely illogical pile of horse shit. Like Valentine's Day. I celebrate Christmas but that's basically because I have stolen it from the God Botherers. Like The Grinch, which aptly suits my personality I think.

I think the other reason I hate St.Valentine's Day is that I never got any female attention until I was about 17. And that worked out really well... Meanwhile, the rest of my friends were groping girls in tents. I really think I should get over this blatant climate of discrimination that I used to live in (and but for Emma, still would but without the tents) but I don't seem able to. It's stayed with me forever. I'm holding a massive grudge against all things romantic, including the rather less romantic endgame of what elderly people call courting.

Actually, now I think about it I don't believe any men like Valentine's Day. I don't think I am unique. I'm just in the fortunate position of being able to admit it without spending the rest of my life in Coventry. I reckon about 90% of men who are doing something to celebrate Valentine's Day tonight are doing so to please their women. Valentine's Day is for girls. Like netball and mood swings. So anyway I think perhaps I should thank Emma for not forcing me to go through the shambolic facade that is Valentine's Day. I think there was a time, in the dim and distant past, when we bought each other Valentine's Day cards but it is long ago. Valentine cards are the preserve of people trying to impress someone or trying keep their dinner out of the dog. Perhaps it should be allowed for newly attached couples, but then anyone caught celebrating it after more than say, five years in a relationship should be taken outside and beaten to death with a hear-shaped spade.

Happy Valentine's Day.

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