So, did I say Tom was a non-entity? I’m four and a bit episodes in now and he has become anything but. He has been transformed from background-dweller - albeit with a secret - to a strong candidate for the title of most annoying half-wit among the remaining contestants.
But before we address Tom’s turn for the worst let’s take a step back to episode 3 where I left you last time. There was the obligatory ‘mission’, which is some sort of group task for the purpose of raising money for the prize fund. They went to the worst fairground ever assembled. It appeared to have only one ride which was a big wheel with no seats.
However you don’t need seats to answer provocative questions about your fellow contestants. You can do it hanging upside down. Although it must have been tricky having to write a name down on a card every time you were asked ‘who is the most/least likely person to (insert unscrupulous/noble act here). The questions were glaringly designed to create more conflict. All fuel for the fire. Yet to be quite honest the ‘missions’ are insignificant for the most part. So much so that I would recommend you record the show and fast forward through them so that you can get to the arguing, boneheaded, speculation with highly tenuous foundation and drama queenery.
Episode Three’s most dramatic moment is provided by Aaron. I think he’s meant to appeal to female viewers but for me he emanates huge Ed Gamble vibes. For the first time his name comes up in the discussions around the round table, a place where the contestants baselessly point the finger at each other before voting out whoever they think is a Traitor. To say Aaron doesn’t take kindly to the suspicion aimed at him is something of an understatement. He has what looks like a full scale panic attack and has to leave the room.
Before that moment much of the focus had been on Imran. His oversight in never having uttered the phrase ‘I’m not a Traitor’ out loud is about to be the death of him. That and - I suppose - his perceived arrogance which comes from the fact that he has repeatedly told everyone that he is the youngest person in the world to ever gain a PHD in Astrophysics. Baffling then how a man of such high intelligence has failed to outwit a group of people with a collective IQ of about 13. Yet Imran is where he is and - after Aaron plucks up the courage to come back from his mini breakdown- the Astrophysics prodigy’s star burns out and dies.
Yet much like the earlier decision to remove Nicky because she decided not to use her one hand to raise a glass for a toast, Imran’s removal is sheer herd mentality. Theo - another over emotional gibberer who rivals Aaron for overreaction - is the instigator. He’s convinced that Imran is a Traitor and manages to convince enough of the others of it too. Inevitably, he and those who followed him are completely wrong.
Announcing his Faithfuldom, he resists the temptation to call Theo out for being the unabashed cretin that he is and instead focuses on the positives. He’s had a great time, met some great people. The sort of thing Claudia will have heard so many times before on Strictly. Has anyone ever been voted off Strictly and - when asked about their experience - said ‘it’s been shit, I hated everyone’? Genuine question. Like I said, I stopped watching some time around Russell Grant.
The Traitors gives you the platform to do it but Imran nobly resists. Maybe he goes too far by suggesting that the eventual winner will probably use the money more wisely than he would have but all in all it is a dignified exit.
With a twist in the episode’s tale still to come John sets about making himself vulnerable. John is Scottish, bald and gay which reminds me of another scene from The Young Ones. The one from the graveyard with Hale And Pace in the pit, Steve Frost digging the grave and Arnold Brown’s victim confessing to ‘being Scottish and Jewish…two stereotypes for the price of one. Perhaps the best value in the graveyard today’. Along with his protected characteristics it turns out that John is also a loud, obnoxious bully. He begins grilling Aaron for leaving the round table, inevitably hinting that it might be the Ed Gamble tribute act offing people when the sun goes down. John might be right about Aaron’s antics. They could have been solely for effect. But unfortunately for John it is 2022 and you cannot tear a strip off someone for having a panic attack. Even a questionable one. John has edged nearer that graveyard.
But not, it seems, immediately. Because here is the twist. The established pattern is that after the round table vote the survivors are left alone for a few hours to mingle, have a few drinks and have another Catch-22 style circular argument about who might be a Traitor. After which a bell chimes and they are all whisked away to their own lodgings in Range Rovers. At which point The Traitors are taken to their broom cupboard to decide whose name is next to go in the sealed envelope signifying their murder and elimination from the contest.
That’s not happening on this night. On this night Claudia has gatecrashed The Traitors’ party to inform that there will be no murder tonight. Instead, The Traitors will nominate three members of the group to be put on trial throughout the next day. At the end of the day one of the three will be whacked. With it’s Who Wants To Be A Millionaire penchant for a cliffhanger episode three ends there. Which is inconvenient for me because I then have to watch the start of episode four to find out who the unfortunate trio are. I’m watching this at about 11.30 on a weekday night. I’m in the office tomorrow (as opposed to working from home where you can roll out of bed and virtually land at what passes for your desk). But there is no decision to be made. If I go to bed now I won’t sleep anyway. It’s one of those where you just have to know. If this thing had a week between episodes I’d probably give up watching and maybe Google the answer. Or not.
But I don’t because I’m still two episodes behind and the answers to each cliffhanger are still instantly available. Besides this - as dreadful as it is - is compulsive viewing. As has become the norm episode four begins with the contestants filing in to the breakfast room. They don’t yet know that there has been no murder so they are expecting one person to fail to emerge. When Claudia breaks the news it provokes the usual round of wailing and gnashing of teeth. She has revealed that it will be John on trial along with Alex (previously peripheral but about to be absolutely the centre of attention) and seemingly harmless, top-knotted, grinning author Ivan. All of which brings us back to the previously insignificant Tom.
Perhaps spooked by the notion that his girl Alex might be about to depart the show he stands up and tells everyone that Alex is not only a Faithful but is also his girlfriend. He tries to explain the deceit with some half-baked gubbins about how they came in together to try and smoke out Traitors. So it was necessary to keep it a secret. Don’t you see? No. Me neither. If he’s expecting nods of agreement and understanding from the others he’s disappointed. Most, including pushy, shouty John, are outraged. Hannah, hitherto hardly heard to say or do anything noteworthy, is another who protests loudly. But the best reaction is that of Matt.
Now, remember when Matt referred to Alex as ‘possibly my future wife’ within about 36 hours of meeting her? That seemed extreme to me. But next to his reaction at finding out about Alex and Tom it now looks like a display of faultless rationality. He doesn’t really say anything. Instead the sides of his mouth take a downward turn in the manner of a child who has been prohibited from picking up anything from the confectionary aisle at Tesco. He then bursts into actual tears. It’s a sight to behold if it is not an act.
This is not how normal people react when they find out that someone they just met already has a partner. Be angry about Alex’s flirting, tell her exactly what you think. She has openly admitted on camera that she was flirting with Matt to divert people away from the truth. That’s an act of cruelty. But not one worthy of a grown man who barely knows you bursting into tears before slumping face down on the table as if he has just been told that his house has burned down with all of his family trapped inside. It’s peak drama queenery. Tellingly, Traitor and sociopath Alyssa is among the first there to console emotionally unbalanced Matt.
And so to the mission. I really did fast forward this one. It was all about identifying different sheep from the descriptions given by their fellow players. A sort of Guess Who? with sheep instead of bespectacled serial killer types. I’m quite sure nothing of any significance was said but some more money was added to the prize fund. So that’s nice. Oh, there was one thing of note. The three on trial were asked to select the teams for the sheep identification mission and Ivan instantly chose Tom. To keep him away from Alex, he observed coldly.
That’s good news for Matt. If he has to watch Tom and Alex interacting as a couple he might very well explode. Mind, he’s not helping himself. Rather than put it down to experience and vote for Alex over and over until she’s gone, he instead decides that he needs to have a heart to heart chat with her. No Matt, you don’t. You’ve suffered enough. All you will achieve is to help her offload her guilt. You will still be left holding the shitty stick. Of course that is exactly what transpires. Strangely, he does not offer the same truce to Tom.
This is very much Tom’s episode as it turns out. Back at the round table he is very vocal. Cringingly, he reveals that he is a magician and therefore is really good at reading people. Hannah and Maddy are particularly skeptical of this alleged talent. They do not share his absolute conviction that Ivan is a Traitor. A bloody good Traitor, he backhands, but a Traitor nonetheless. Tom can’t possibly be this certain about Ivan’s treachery because it just isn’t true. His bonkers monologue does influence some in the group but there are almost as many who don’t believe a word he’s telling them. I think it is Maddy who observes that she doesn’t like magic because she doesn’t like not knowing how things are done. Not to worry Maddy, no magic here.
But there is a very close vote. As a result of Tom and Alex having kept their secret it is Alex who cops many of the votes. Only one person takes the obvious decision and votes for Tom. Yet as unpopular as she is becoming Alex isn’t quite disliked enough to get the boot. Ivan edges that by a single vote, delivered with the appropriate level of drama by Amanda. A Traitor. Which Ivan is very much not. For the third time the group have eliminated a Faithful. And each time there have been at least a couple of people who were 100% convinced that they were losing a Traitor. Cue more discussions about each other’s bewilderment and a good deal of self recrimination all around.
Ivan was one of the three named on trial at the start of the day. His exit doesn’t change the fact that one of the trialists will be getting the sealed envelope marked ‘do one’ tonight. That means either Alex or John. Roll credits and on to episode five, or at least enough of it to satisfy my curiosity. The next day it’s back to the established routine of filing into the breakfast room. Only this time the suspense over who will walk in last is limited to just Alex and John from the outset. Tom - who should probably reflect that he is the luckiest bloke alive to have avoided banishment - looks like he is about to have a stroke as he waits to see if Alex comes through the door.
Which she does. Despite Amanda’s assertion that The Traitors needed to break up the happy couple the instead choose to remove John. The rationale seems to be that Alex’s exit will take care of itself at the round table at some point following her part in the big deceit. She avoided banishment by a whisker the previous day. The seed is sown among the others that she is not to be trusted. Nobody is - that’s the game - but now she has given the group a concrete reason to mistrust her rather than the groundless psychobabble which has dominated discussions about the identity of The Traitors until now. Alex will keep. John meanwhile has been deemed a clear and present danger.
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